Miami Mayor Francis Suarez to deliver State of the City address Tuesday

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He should just apologize.

When Miami Mayor Francis Suarez delivers his State of the City address on Tuesday, he should open with a general apology to the residents and business owners who have had to put up with not just the crappy conditions of streets and parks and services, but also the corruption that permeates the dais, the city attorney’s office and even his pay-to-play deals with developers and other business interests.

Ladra asked mayoral spokeswoman Stephanie Severino for excerpts or some kind of hint as to what the speech Tuesday morning, delivered at Camillus House, might have in it. We don’t want another shocker like the $2.5 billion bomb that Miami-Dade Mayor Daniella Levine Cava dropped on everybody last week, even her allies. But nada. Maybe they’re not finished writing the darn thing.

So, let Ladra offer her professional services. Here’s the speech the mayor should read Tuesday:

“I am truly sorry, Miami. I know I’ve let you down.

“I haven’t been around much, while the city falls into disrepair physically and spiritually, while commissioners and city leaders enrich themselves through bribery and palanca. I’ve been busy hanging out with California transplants and working out at the gym while my taxpayer-paid bodyguards watch. Haven’t you seen my biceps bursting through the t-shirts I wear that are intentionally too tight? And just so you know, rumors of steroid use are completely and totally fabricated.

“I also had the audacity to run for president. That made you all look bad. Sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.

“My absence and lack of leadership has led to a free-for-all atmosphere at the city in which:

• One commissioner — who had multiple ghost employees in his office — sold his vote and a city park to a private school for campaign cash, hotel stays, food and booze.
• Another commissioner violated the rights of Little Havana business owners through the weaponization of the city’s code enforcement, police and legal department, leading to hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees and a judgement of $63.5 million that I really don’t know who has to pay. Sorry.
• The city attorney’s husband used his relationship to get code enforcement fines waived from $271,500 to zero after he bought a senior’s house for below market rate, so he could flip it for a huge profit. In fact, he’s been flipping the homes of vulnerable seniors for years.
• The city manager’s wife has been paid tens of thousands — or hundreds of thousands — for overpriced office furniture, whether the city needed it or not.
• The commission carved up the city during redistricting in a questionable, self-preserving way — dividing neighborhoods and directly benefitting two commissioners — that has since been challenged with a lawsuit the city is sure to lose. Thank goodness the new city commission recently voted to settle.
• The commission also voted to approve huge LED signs that the residents don’t want but a former commissioner and lobbyist paid to get. Again, I thank the new commission for reconsidering.

“I’m sorry that I was absent or complicit through all of that. I’m sorry that I’m more interested in keeping my perfectly manicured eyebrows in tact than sitting through one of those awful city commission meetings where many of you are ignored. I’m sorry that I put Elon Musk and the tech bros before you, the people.

“I’m super sorry that I got caught getting paid $10,000 a month, and at least $170K in total, to consult by Rishi Kapoor, a developer who was seeking city permits and approvals at the same time. And I’m sorry I didn’t hide from the photographers at the Formula 1 races when the tickets were gifted to me by my buddy, hedge fund executive Ken Griffin. I’m even more sorry that I ended up having to pay him $14,000 for them.

“I’m sorry about all the trips to Saudi Arabia, where women have few rights under “male guardianship” and the king, like a dictator, selects the legislature, the executive branch, the judges and has the right to change any of their decisions, where citizens cannot form political organizations and where the media cannot report anything the king doesn’t like. Sounds good to me. Just kidding! Sorry.

“And I’m sorry that I am just a tiny fraction of a shadow of what my father was.”

Of course, he’s likely going to make edits. There’s not enough cheerleading about all the wonderful things he’s done or how his “How can I help?” tweet put Miami on the map.

  Francis Suarez