What with the political war between the mayor and the city manager, the multiple ethics and corruption investigations and the whispers of a recall against Doral Mayor Luigi Boria, Wednesday’s State of the City address may be a little more titillating than these sort of things traditionally are.
It’s his first State of the City address as mayor, an important milestone in any political career. It would be especially important in the career of a mayor who has become most known for his strained relationships at City Hall, where his own administration has accused him of multiple transgressions — from conspiring to vote on a zoning change to benefit his family to falsifying campaign finance records for rental of his campaign office.
Boria did not return repeated calls or comment on this momentous event. But Ladra got lucky. Someone leaked me a copy of his speech on the eve before the big todo. Keep in mind that this could be a very, very, very rough draft.
“My beloved citizens of this beautiful city that we love…please disregard the FBI agents going back and forth. They have sort of set up office in here so it is more convenient for their many investigations… oh, and yes, they may be taking photographs and noting down your license plates, but do not worry… where was I? Ah, yes…
It was a little more than a year ago that you entrusted this beautiful company, er, I mean city to me. And I am happy to report that we are continuing to shine as an example of municipal service and government efficiency — even if we do it with a little more telenovela flair than others.
Despite the many political enemies trying to undermine our hard work and come back to power — and you former mayors know who you are — we are forging ahead with great plans to improve this city. We are moving ahead with the drive to build Downtown Doral. And guess what? None of my friends are involved in that so I am not profiting in any way. I swear. Really!”
(Note: At this point, pause and look up and laugh. You just told a joke. And then take a deep breath to indicate that you take the next part very seriously.)
“I know that everybody is concerned about the many investigations into allegations of wrongdoing on my part by my very own hand-picked ingrate of a city manager. And, yes, it is true. I admit that I have made a huge mistake.”
(Note: Pause for effect.)
“My mistake was to hire Joe Carollo in the first place. But in my defense, I did not know he was going to meterse so much in my business as mayor of our beautiful city. I did not know back then that they called him ‘Crazy Joe.’ Though I know now. Boy do I ever know now.”
(Note: Give a dramatic wink of your eye. Then turn that into a disapproving look.)
“I never imagined that he would go so far as to insult my heritage and the heritage of many of you Doralitos by calling my friends ‘narco-chavistas’ — I mean, we have nothing to do with the government — and having the police arrest them just because they maybe exaggerated a little bit about a conversation they had. We’re Latino. We do that sometimes.
“But I want you to know that none of that has affected the wonderful services that you get, your police and fire and garbage pick up on time. Your park events and city programs.
“Sure, we maybe lost the Miss U.S.A. contest. But big deal. If you really think about it, that is a very sexist thing and we can make a statement against it. And besides, we still got lots of golf tournaments. They come every year. Not just one year, one time.
“In short, what you must know is that recall or no recall I am your mayor and I am going to continue to represent you and our beautiful city of Doral the way I have been doing so far.”
Okay, so maybe there might be a few rewrites between now and 6 p.m. when the mayor goes on the mic at City Hall.
But really, pay no attention to the FBI agents milling about.
Doral State of the City address or confessional? Can’t wait added by Ladra on
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